Dear Abigail

I am a thirty-seven-year-old mother of twins with another on the way. After deciding with my husband that we would be spending Christmas this year with my family in Tallahassee, he said he would inform his parents before our Fourth of July celebration. However, while he was at the grill with my father-in-law, my mother-in-law all but cornered me by the sliced watermelon asking where we would be spending the holiday and subsequently demanding I explain why I insisted upon breaking up “her family” (the only other time she posed such a question was upon the announcement of our engagement). I love my husband dearly. Was it wrong of me to tell his mother to shove off, and that I am his only family now?

PREGNANT AND PONDERING

Hi P&P,

The coordination of holiday plans are always a delicate matter, particularly when a partner’s family is involved. However, your question leaves me wondering what you have done in past years that had not led to such a conflict. Have you simply followed your mother-in-law’s orders in fear of ridicule? If so, such fears seem well-warranted.

Before addressing the exchange with your mother-in-law, I must say that your husband bears significant burden for not honoring your agreement for him to address this with his parents ahead of time. As much as your mother-in-law is in the wrong here for her spontaneous reaction, your husband is also at fault for not following through on a mutually agreed upon plan. Be sure to speak with him to locate either his forgetfulness or anxieties about representing your shared wishes.

You asked whether you were “wrong” for telling his mother to “shove off.” You also indicated that she accused you of sabotage immediately upon getting engaged to her son. Such a moment would have been ripe to address what has now become a lingering resentment. However, you seem to have made a bed in which you must now learn to lay. I would reevaluate your holiday plans and mend this fence. After all, few places are worse than Tallahassee.