Emojis

Texts to which it’s appropriate to reply, “ 👊🇺🇸🔥”

• “Landed at JFK!"

• “Got my tax return”

• “Voted today”

• “Bought a Ford F-150”

• “Punched a wall, ate at McDonalds, and feeling really good about myself today”

Texts to which it’s not appropriate to reply, “ 👊🇺🇸🔥”

• Anything in an unsecured group chat coordinating a military operation titled, “Houthi PC small group”

See You Then

To plan is to wish.

That people generally arrive at the place and time they intend is something of a small miracle.

The attempt to order life before it happens retains it potency because, actually, it works out quite often. The bus comes, the meeting kicks off, the food arrives, the show is live.

The slips and the delays and the mistakes and the hazards remind us of just how fragile it all can be. But still, the allure remains.

See you next Tuesday, see you next everyday.

On Hotels

The most important things are cleanliness and sound. It is not design, not layout, not amenities nor even the disposition of the thankless employees. It’s ideal is that of a quiet third space that pantomimes as your home in a place that is decidedly not your home. It is a passing gesture of comfort, safety, stability, and calm.

One is not entitled to aesthetics or even pleasantries. That the experience be pleasing is a bar too high, but that it be adequate is a small miracle.

Our time on this earth is temporary. Our hotel stays are even more so. That they come and go without memory of their dereliction or excess is a precious gift.

Summer Dreaming

On Wednesday I walked outside in Wisconsin against snow blowing sideways. My sneakers turned wet and my ears stung from the cold.

March is always down payment for July. Those long, warm days seem far away, but still the carrot dangles.

March is too long and April too busy. May is the hostess standing on summer’s doorstep, welcoming you from these dreary days, inviting you to please, come in, come in.

Storage Full

The state of my computer is not unlike the state of the world, with notifications and sounds and pop-ups constantly reminding me that my storage is running low and that I should free up space if I want to continue.

It’s consistently easier to dismiss those messages and kick the can down the road, even as basic tasks start to feel like turning tires through thick mud.

The expense of a new computer and my own stubbornness keeps me in this arduous dance, continuing to ignore and accommodate and adjust. My only viable recourse, any of ours, is to continue on through the noise.

DOGEE

If I was so unlucky as to be president, and even more burdened by the aspiration to establish a new government entity, I would create the Department of General Etiquette Enforcement (or DOGEE, pronounced “doggy”).

Its mission and brand would be one: “We’re trying to have a society here.”

No more turning quickly around blind corners.

No more questionable behaviors on planes or any form of public transit.

No more showing up to another’s home empty handed.

No more not apologizing when clearly in the wrong.

No more sharing one’s honest feelings if such honest feelings are inappropriate.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could one office have the capacity to regulate such pervasive and insidious behavior? Shouldn’t these matters be left to the realm of culture? What exactly qualifies as inappropriate conduct?

DOGEE would stand ready to make snap judgements regarding all these concerns, on a case-by-case, rolling basis. At long last, all would be well.

On Love

To love is to agree. Not to acquiesce, but to commit. Not to compromise, but to give. Not to fold, but to expand. To agree that “we” constitutes an “us.”

To you, my many loves, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Particular Relief

I believe there should be distinct words to describe the feeling of relief when:

• You pause before doing something you have put off, and then decide to not do it

• Someone cancels plans

• You lay eyes on your gate at the airport

• It’s lunchtime at work

• You don’t see anyone you know in a public setting

• The job interview is done

• Your hairdresser is clearly comfortable with silence

• The server uses a crumber

Community Meeting

Last night I attended my first ever virtual public information meeting meant for local residents to provide feedback on proposed improvements by the city. It was interesting to see democracy, or something close to it, in action, though it more closely resembled a Real Housewives reunion than a joint session of Congress.

It was fascinating to hear my fellow neighbors emerge from their silence. Holding my own cards close to my chest, I ate my metaphorical popcorn.

Two and a half hours past in an instant. Nothing compels quite like a low-stakes, local drama.

Card Reading

Wow, a lot of things are showing up in these cards for you.

First we have Elaina, Goddess of Sorcery, with the tree enveloping her. This card represents growth and change, but at a very slow pace. We’re talking years, even decades. But one day you’ll realize you’re sitting in the shade of the tree you’ve cultivated, and it will feel like magic.

Next here is the snake with a sword. This is a clear nod to the conflicts and righteous fights on your horizon. Be weary of how clever even your own logic may be. This card offers you power, but when not counterbalanced by other cards, will never lead to resolution.

Finally there’s the dove on the white silk pillow. This is your place of rest, solitude, comfort, indulgence. It’s an oblivious but deeply regenerative card. Return to it as often as possible.

As the World Burns

Amidst the California wildfires, elusive cease-fire, and political dumpster fires, it’s hot and it’s bad. We’re on the eve of yet another era of gross incompetence and neglect in our country’s highest office, soon to be occupied by a man whose conduct is somehow more sanctioned by more people. It’s hard to know how strongly the winds will blow, how widely the flames will spread, and how dry the earth is in their path.

Tending to home, to work, to the people and things that bring joy; these are the forever tasks that can make order of the unwieldy, and make four years go by just like that.

33 Reflections on 33 Years

1. Looks are very important

2. Money is also (though less so)

3. Buy once, buy cheaply, use until the wheels fall off

4. Buy and hold the S&P 500 or similar index

5. Turn off your phone volume when around others

6. Notice who else is in the room

7. Say please and thank you

8. Only sweat the small stuff

9. A house should be set to 72 in the winter and 68 in the summer

10. Yes I would like a straw

11. Yes I would like some napkins

12. Yes I would like disposable silverware

13. Yes I would like a bag

14. When Harry Met Sally is the best movie

15. All planes must have televisions

16. All indoor spaces must have air conditioning

17. There should be more bathrooms everywhere

18. There should be exorbitantly high-paying jobs to keep all bathrooms clean

19. Healthy food tastes worse and is more expensive; there is no way around this

20. Unhealthy food tastes better and is cheaper; this is a blessing

21. Look for the helpers

22. Be a helper

23. Think about the vibe of your funeral

24. Smile when you greet people

25. Never show up empty handed

26. Try new things

27. Never stop learning the people you love

28. Don’t be embarrassed to ask what the happy hour special is

29. Take a break every once in a while

30. Show up

31. Try your best

32. Take a deep breath

33. You’re doing great, sweetie

A Tip and a Treat

I was at my local small to midsize city airport when I purchased a small cup of hot black coffee. I received a 16oz cup (their smallest size) with a thin sleeve for $4.22. Would I like to add a tip?

I then purchased two granola bars and the total neared $10 (my brain resisted retaining the exact total, a natural trauma response). Would I like to add a special treat for the troops?

As I thought it unlikely for the troops to invade the airport and bring with them stacks of 12oz coffee cups with thick sleeves and 20% discounts, I declined. Politely, of course.

Holiday Edition

To the tune of “My Favorite Things,” by Julie Andrews

Postcards and letters and photos and boxes

Mincemeat and crab legs and bagels with loxes

Brand new nice slippers my Santa may bring

These are a few of my holiday things

When the year ends

When the tree’s down

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember these holidays things

And then I don’t feel like it’s such a big deal because, God willing, it’ll all happen again next year and mincemeat (name origin, please?) is actually quite difficult to find and really only tastes good between December 23 - January 1.

Q4 Update

Staff,

With the holidays next week, and New Year’s close behind, I know that for many of you this is your last true working day of 2024. As such, I thought it timely to provide you with some updates on the progress we’ve made this year and the course we are charting for 2025.

First, the company-wide adoption of AI software has clearly increased efficiencies across our business. Of course, no one was happy about the signifiant layoffs that occurred in tandem. Our exceptional HR team is still working closely with those affected to help them retain COBRA health benefits and provide mock interview prep as they seek new opportunities.

Second, we all know our organizational reputation was hit hard this year by our unfortunately very public scandal regarding the misuse of government aid for private air travel. It is an honor to share that we have transitioned our entire leadership team to adopt a commercial-only travel model, in which they will only fly on planes also available to the general public.

Third, and finally, we were excited to report record-breaking returns to our shareholders at our annual conference in Punta Cana two weeks ago. The room was jubilant. However, this period of rapid growth has also led us to consider a difficult question: when we reach new heights, is there enough oxygen for all of us? The answer has begged us to reconsider team structure and size, which may impact some of you. Your manager will be in touch with you after the holidays.

Wishing you and yours a very merry holiday season. I myself am off to Palm Beach, a special place for me and my family. I hope you all have carved out similar quality time with yours.

Thanks,

Rob

ChatGPT Prompts

Write a brief holiday card message that is nondenominational yet heavily implies that the sender celebrates Christmas.

Compile a mailing list of all the people with whom our household has had meaningful interactions over the past year.

Tell me the perfect gift to give someone I adore deeply but on whom I don’t want to spend more that $20 ($10 if possible).

What is the non-alcoholic equivalent of a nice bottle of wine or liquor?

For an average sized man, is the respectable drink limit at an office holiday party 2 or 3?

What makes a bouquet of flowers Christmas-themed?

How might one best balance feelings of distress over current and future global inequities while savoring one’s holiday season?

Best hot chocolate recipe (easy).

Holiday Gift Guide

Adult Man:

• Bourbon

• Plaid shirt

• Book written by a female author

Adult Woman:

• Champagne

• Tasteful scarf

• Low-commitment bathing products (bath bombs, extravagant eye masks, etc.)

Young Boy:

• Lincoln logs

• Kitchen set

• Barbies in various executive or healthcare roles

Young Girl:

• Books about personal ambition

• Peel-and-stick face gems/clip-in tinsel hair extensions

• Lego set

LGBTQIA+ Person:

• Original copy of Brittney Spears’ 1999 Baby One More Time album or related merchandise

• Extremely expensive candle

• Anything extremely expensive

My Appointments

Treasury Secretary: Suze Orman

Social Secretary: Martha Stewart

Secretary of the Interior: Jonathan Adler

Attorney General: Judge Judy

First Lady: Carolina Herrera

Health & Human Services Secretary: Gwyneth Paltrow

Director of National Intelligence: Ken Jennings

Secretary of State: Pitbull (a.k.a. Mr. Worldwide)

United Nations Ambassador: Naomi Campbell

Secretary of Commerce: Paris Hilton

Chief of Staff: Anna Wintour

Mr. Clean

The homes of liberals have never been cleaner.

This weekend I contorted myself around the bathroom sink after deciphering how to unscrew the drain, and wiped up the dark gunk just beneath its ring at which I have been glancing for months each time I brush my teeth.

The bathroom fan mounted in the ceiling provided a similar opportunity. I finally watched a YouTube video explaining its removal and subsequent deep cleaning methods. I stood atop the three-step metal stool, shooting a can of compressed air while brushing the blades with a manual toothbrush, my glasses fogging up from the N-95 mask, clumps of dust falling on and around me.

There’s really a lot more up there than you think.

I also dusted the ceiling fans that otherwise run constantly.

There’s more up there than you think, too.

Sometimes the biggest moments are the ones that call us back to smallness. One faucet, one vent, one ceiling fan.

The nation may be a veering towards a big mess, but for those most concerned, it will happen in rooms immaculate.

It’s Mourning Again in America

It was the first morning in a long time that I didn’t look at the internet nor the television. Seeing it in written out in bold would have meant it was real, so maybe if I didn’t see it, reality was still up for grabs.

I resisted crying when checking in with people, which required resistance. I tried my dissociative best to carry on as if things were, if not different, then at least far away.

The only way I can come to terms with the moment is through understanding that the desperation in our country can’t be overlooked. People are shouting it. The profound bewilderment I feel within myself must be matched, within so many, by profound pain.

The American experiment remains just that. In it, the love of family and friends is the constant variable for which I remain most grateful.