My Appointments

Treasury Secretary: Suze Orman

Social Secretary: Martha Stewart

Secretary of the Interior: Jonathan Adler

Attorney General: Judge Judy

First Lady: Carolina Herrera

Health & Human Services Secretary: Gwyneth Paltrow

Director of National Intelligence: Ken Jennings

Secretary of State: Pitbull (a.k.a. Mr. Worldwide)

United Nations Ambassador: Naomi Campbell

Secretary of Commerce: Paris Hilton

Chief of Staff: Anna Wintour

Mr. Clean

The homes of liberals have never been cleaner.

This weekend I contorted myself around the bathroom sink after deciphering how to unscrew the drain, and wiped up the dark gunk just beneath its ring at which I have been glancing for months each time I brush my teeth.

The bathroom fan mounted in the ceiling provided a similar opportunity. I finally watched a YouTube video explaining its removal and subsequent deep cleaning methods. I stood atop the three-step metal stool, shooting a can of compressed air while brushing the blades with a manual toothbrush, my glasses fogging up from the N-95 mask, clumps of dust falling on and around me.

There’s really a lot more up there than you think.

I also dusted the ceiling fans that otherwise run constantly.

There’s more up there than you think, too.

Sometimes the biggest moments are the ones that call us back to smallness. One faucet, one vent, one ceiling fan.

The nation may be a veering towards a big mess, but for those most concerned, it will happen in rooms immaculate.

It’s Mourning Again in America

It was the first morning in a long time that I didn’t look at the internet nor the television. Seeing it in written out in bold would have meant it was real, so maybe if I didn’t see it, reality was still up for grabs.

I resisted crying when checking in with people, which required resistance. I tried my dissociative best to carry on as if things were, if not different, then at least far away.

The only way I can come to terms with the moment is through understanding that the desperation in our country can’t be overlooked. People are shouting it. The profound bewilderment I feel within myself must be matched, within so many, by profound pain.

The American experiment remains just that. In it, the love of family and friends is the constant variable for which I remain most grateful.

Definitive Election Prediction

We anxiously go about our day on Tuesday. Some of us brave the chilly air outside libraries and school gyms, while others find small solace in having already done their part early. People stream out of work, or school, or the gym, or the store, just as the sun is sitting low in the sky.

We have a dinner that feels like a last supper of sorts, a last supper before the next chapter of history. The conversation shifts from the minutiae of the day, to the weight of the moment, to silence. We speak in unserious ways about hypothetical moves to other countries, or seriously about feelings of immense relief. The television comes on.

Those who know peace go to bed. Those who can’t resist stay awake. We still don’t know the results, and don’t know when we will know.

There’s an unexpected development that we’re not sure what to do with. We return to work, or school, or the gym, or the store. We trade glances with other people in our same boat, floating in the same ocean, all waiting for a conclusion, one that can finally allow us to move on.

Official Endorsement

Tonight, Beyoncé is set to perform at a Kamala Harris rally in Houston. As many know, the Vice President walks out to Beyoncé’s song, “Freedom,” at nearly every campaign trail appearance.

Of the story, The New York Times printed, “It was not immediately clear if Beyoncé planned to endorse Ms. Harris on Friday.”

It’s hard to imagine how much clearer an endorsement the musician could make than allowing her work to be used as a campaign theme song. What higher form of support could an artist offer than their art itself?

It’s like if The New York Times printed, “Dan Van Note has been consistently engaging with the petty drama of the election, primarily in the form of passing, snarky comments in support of Ms. Harris. It was not immediately clear if he plans to endorse Ms. Harris.”

So, let me be explicit: I am proud to announce my full-throated endorsement of Vice President Kamala Harris to be the next President of the United States. I am also proud to announce that it’s immediately clear that Beyoncé agrees.

Hourly Rate

A repair man came to fix something recently. It took him about twenty minutes. The charge for the parts and service was high, and it got me thinking…What service could I provide that would command such a price?

I know what you’re thinking, and no. Fitness modeling is simply not something I am willing to do. I want work that leverages my mind and abilities, not my sheer physical gifts.

Top options that come to mind:

1. Advising on the layout and maintenance of public restrooms

2. Consulting on residential real estate deals when the budget is “cheapest possible”

3. Reinforcing morally questionable behavior as long as it produces direct benefits to me

4. Editing email correspondence

5. Complimenting others’ outfits and homes

Unfortunately, in today’s economy, these services are severely undervalued. I practically give them away for free. But since economists agree that the market may soon achieve the rare feat of a “soft landing,” perhaps there is hope still.

Pumpkin Etiquette

Two triangular eyes, a triangular nose, and a jagged smile with missing teeth will forever represent the pinnacle of jack-o’-lantern design for obvious reasons.

A respectable second is an intricately carved motif of a lurking arched-back cat with a crescent moon in the background.

Honorable mention goes to the first option with select modifications, such as a full smile or humanistic nose.

Not advisable are clearly angry looking faces, or those expressing disappointment or melancholy.

Finally, a painted pumpkin is a choice worse than giving out apples on Halloween night.

Barefoot Dan

Ina Garten has been on an extensive press tour promoting her new memoir. In interviews she is at once polished, vulnerable, authentic, and relaxed. Her communication style is almost as unattainable as her lifestyle hosting real-life friends in her real-life East Hampton home on her real-life television show.

I do appreciate that she admits cooking is hard. There are chefs, like Bobby Flay, she says, who have spent years working in kitchens making the same dishes so many times that the activity becomes rote. She, however, may only test a recipe a few times before filming a show, or perhaps a dozen in preparation for a cookbook. Her admission makes messing up the occasional fried egg feel slightly less shameful.

Most touching is her recounting of how she created a life of abundance and connection after being raised in an extremely strict environment largely void of love. While her life “Out East” is anything but relatable, her heart reads so pure as to suggest she could have owned a small specialty grocery store in any town in America and still hosted fabulous dinner parties with friends. Maybe you could, too.

And that is the appeal of Ina. She doesn’t lay down the law like Martha or claim her meals only take 30 minutes like Rachel, but she shows you what it would actually look like to slow down and savor and share.

I myself am far too busy to be concerned with such things, but when Ina talks, she makes it sounds like she just might have a point.

Ideal Times

Coffee Date: 8:30am on Monday

Work Meeting: 10am on Tuesday

Lunch: 12pm on Wednesday

Cocktails: 5pm on Thursday

Dinner: 6:30pm on Friday

Show: 7pm on Saturday

Movie: 8pm on Sunday

Professional Development Offerings

Course 1: Describing Your Job to Friends and Family

Course 2: Engaging with Colleagues Who Didn’t Read Your Email

Course 3: Writing Better Emails

Course 4: Navigating Brief Cordial Interactions

Course 5: When to Issue an Apology

Course 6: Crafting the Slyest Non-Apology

Course 7: The Art of Vagueness

Course 8: Dressing for Adequate Success

Course 9: Budgeting for Your Imagined Future Wage

Course 10: Warm Autumn Cocktails

All-Hands: Holiday Campaign

Sandra: Morning, all. As you all know, as a Marketing team we’ve got an uphill climb this fall as we plan the holiday campaign. Given the presidential election, we need to find a message that can supersede political tensions while also acknowledging the national mood. Ideas?

Jane: How about, “Holidays, for All Our Days,” and we feature a bunch of different traditions?

Mike: Maybe, “All I Want for Christmas is All of Us Together,” and we go the classic turkey-on-the-table route?

Cheryl: What about, “Ding, Dong, Let’s Get Along,” go straight for the levity?

Tom: I was thinking, “It’s Been a Year. Have a Beer.” Simple, straight, to the point?

Sandra: These are all great ideas, team. I think that as Bud Light, people are really looking to us to set the tone for their entire holiday season. Let’s keep these ideas top of mind, put a pin in it for now, and circle back next week to make sure we get it right.

​Presidential Debate Bingo for Tuesday

On Labor

If work is defined as the things not easily done, then labor is that which requires such an immense lift that only a federal holiday could temper its burden.

I hope your Monday is joy-filled, frolic, and free of concerns about what Tuesday and all the days thereafter might bring. This weekend, summer takes its last gasping breath, and as it does, may we all take several deep ones.

My DNC Speech

Speaking Time: 2:30pm Tuesday, August 20

Location: United Center Lobby (as people enter main arena)

Notes from Harris/Walz Campaign: Motivate LGBTQ+ voters; please keep short.

Speech Text: Hello Chicago!

If you don’t see me, I’m up here on the stairs. My name is Dan Van Note and I am a proud gay American. Now, I don’t know if any of you are LGBTQ+. All I know is that you are waiting patiently in line, and that in this election, everything is on the line. It may look like a slog right now to get into the main arena. As queer people, we know that progress comes slowly. But fear not, you will get there in no time, just like it’ll be no time until November 5. Register to vote now, and please remember, like cargo shorts and choker necklaces, we’re not going back!

Ask Adam

Dear Adam,

My girlfriend has been pretty distant the the past few months since she found out I cheated on her. I know I was in the wrong, but is it possible for someone to make themselves wrong by the way they react to something?

Sincerely,

Dumbfounded Boyfriend

Hi DB,

First of all, I want to commend you for being so upfront with the fact that your girlfriend found out you cheated on her. Many would withhold that detail, but as men, our word is our bond, so props to you. (Sorry she found out, by the way. That’s hard.)

Men are primal creatures, so when our women pull away from us, it’s our instinct to find out what’s wrong. That seems to be your primary aim here. My advice would be to first identify what exactly your girlfriend did to make you stray in the first place. Did she stop greeting you at the door? Giving you gifts? Picking you up for dates? Once you can pinpoint that and share it with her, I bet you that will bring a lot of clarity on both sides. Honesty and communication are the most important things in a relationship, and if she isn’t aware of her own issues, then there will always be a knowledge gap there.

To address your question: absolutely. I remember when I forgot my wife’s birthday and our anniversary (they happen to be on the same day), and she took multiple deep breathes right in front of me without even saying anything. Those moments of silence were painful for me, and I communicated as such to her later. We all handle things differently, but as the old saying goes: silence is never the answer.

The more men can have these conversations with each other, the stronger a world we can build. Thanks for the question, brother.

Adam

Olympic Sports to Add in 2028

1. Graciously declining the invitation to hang out after work

2. Modern wedding etiquette

3. Completing long-term writing projects

4. Completing short-term writing projects

5. Making a friend organically after 30 absent a shared distain for something

6. Deciphering another’s political views after casual conversation

7. Olympic history trivia

8. Iron Chef

9. Answering the question, “Does this make me look fat?”

10. Moving a couch while maintaining a positive attitude

Harris Veepstakes Pros & Cons

Josh Shapiro

• Pro: Is the obvious choice

• Con: Might be too obvious

Pete Buttigieg

• Pro: Is smart and gay

• Con: Might be too smart and gay

Mark Kelly

• Pro: Is an astronaut and intimately familiar with the tolls of gun violence

• Con: None

Rich Guy from Illinois

• Pro: Is rich

• Con: Offers little else beside perhaps the thickest and darkest hair of the bunch

Kentucky Guy

• Pro: Allegedly could speak to the concerns of the conservative common man and even sway enough of them to vote the other way

• Con: Would not

Fiscal Year End Performance Review

Employee: John Smith, Sales Director

Manager: Linda Anderson, Senior VP & Managing Sales Director

Fiscal Year: 2023-2024

Key Performance Metrics

1. Sales Goal: $4.5 million

   • Actual: $487.00

2. New Accounts Goal: 50

   • Actual: 2

Manager Comments

John, when you were first brought onto the team there was a collective excitement in the skills and experience you brought to the role. While you certainly hit the ground running, some interactions amongst colleagues and clients were not without incident, as we discussed upon their occurrence. Even still, we provided several opportunities for you to improve your performance, but to little avail. I am afraid we may need to seriously consider the feasibility of your continued employment here absent a significant adjustment in your orientation toward work and your colleagues.

Employee Comments

I would rate my performance somewhere between stellar and exceptional. Everyone thought that just because my dad owns the company, my mom is the HR director, and that all of my siblings work here as well, that I was some sort of nepotism hire. Boy has my 2023-2024 proven them wrong. My numbers may be a bit low, but I have several huge deals on the edge of closing. My only area of improvement would be in the performance of my so-called “co-workers.” Once they actually start doing their fair share, I’d be happy to share more of my wisdom with them. Onward and upward!

Summer Camp for Adult Couples

Eastwood Lake Summer Camp for Adult Couples

July 19, 2024 Schedule

8am: Breakfast

9:30am: Driving Range or Political Roundtable

11am: Hike or Personal Healing Seminar

12:30pm: Lunch

2pm: Swimming or Baking Class

3:30pm: Ropes Course or Meditation Circle

5pm: Cocktails

6:30pm: Dinner

8pm Movie Night: Pretty Woman or Terminator

Every Presentation Ever

Is this thing on? Can you hear me in the back? Ok, great. Oh you can’t? Oh ok, yes, yes you can. Ok great.

Well hello, everyone. My name is Jay and I am so excited to be here at our 2024 conference. I see a few familiar faces in the room and a few new ones, so I’ll just introduce myself a bit here. I’m Jay Magro and I’m a Senior Vice President at Alight. I’ve been with the organization for about fifteen years now and was at another organization prior for about twenty years, so for all those millennials in the room I am OLD, ok? Haha, just joking a bit there.

So today I’m going to talk to you all about the thing we’re all here to talk about: how to work better, be better, and do better for ourselves and each other.

Let’s start with the “what.” What exactly are we trying to do? When we’re sitting down in a room with all our amazing colleagues thinking about next month, next week, next year, what is that big goal, that big idea, that thing that gets everyone really excited?

Next, of course, is the “how.” How are we going to get there? How can we leverage all our respective talents to get this boulder up the hill?

Which begs the question, “who?” Who are you? Who would you like to be? Who is that person you trust most, and what if that person was you?

The “where” is clear: it’s right here. It’s in this room. And it’s in every room you’re in after today.

Finally, and honestly, I’ll tell you, when I got this, this changed everything. It’s knowing your “why.” Your why can be so many things: You want to help others. You want to help yourself. You want to help the world. Maybe you even want to change the world. The “why” is the gas in your tank, the seed you plant, your north star, your beacon. And you have to know it better than you know anything else.

I think I’m running out of time here but I just want to leave you with this: When I was starting my career, I was a lowly assistant. I did everything: I got the coffee, I answered the phone, I took the minutes, I cleaned the toilets. All of that was fundamental to my work today as a Senior Vice President. Sometimes I’ll even go in the bathrooms at the office and just smell the blue toilet water to remember how I started in this industry.

And I am just like every. Single. One. Of you.

Thank you all so much, feel free to add me on LinkedIn, catch me outside after this session or any of the other sessions, and have a great conference!