Automatic Reply Template
Feel free to use and adjust.
To Whom it May Concern,
I wish to express my sincerest and deepest thanks for your exceptional diligence in composing this undoubtedly detailed, thoughtful, and urgent message. However, due to circumstances that were completely foreseen, I am currently on "vacation," which means that I have likely read your message on my iPhone but do not feel the obligatory guilt to reply until [insert date], at which time I will be "back in the office," which means that I will re-read your message on my desktop and calculate how many additional days I may delay in composing a response that subtly yet gracefully emphasizes the magnitude of other, more important, work I have to do. Know that unless your message simply reads, "Have a great trip! Just Venmo'd you $25 for a round of drinks on me," that I will harbor a small but enduring resentment towards you for adding unnecessary mishigas to the trivial work to which I will return. Note that this resentment will be considered in addition to any resentments that have accumulated throughout our working time together. Nevertheless, rest assured that I will be ruminating on the style and substance of my extremely short reply in my head for the duration of my "vacation," though the message itself will not reach your Inbox until said information is no longer relevant nor useful in resolving your time-sensitive concern. If your passion for acquiring this information continues to burn, please forward this chain to my colleague [insert name] at [insert email], who will also harbor a small but enduring resentment towards you, but without the superiority complex I have been cultivating during my paid time off. If this option rings untenable for you, and you would still like a reply from me personally before I am "back in the office," my Venmo can be reached at [insert Venmo username]. A round of drinks will guarantee you a one-sentence reply (I am not able to guarantee greetings nor sign-offs). And actually send $35, not $25 like I mentioned before. The drinks are expensive here.
Your Loyal Colleague,
[insert name]