Day in the Life of a 2024 Republican Presidential Candidate

6:00 AM: Wake up in Best Western outside Cedar Rapids

6:15 AM: Workout w/ Rob (Security)

7:00 AM: Shower

7:30 AM: Hair and makeup, review agenda for day

7:58 AM: Deep breath

8:00 AM: Interrupt retirees’ regular Thursday morning breakfast dates @ JimBob’s House of Pancakes

9:00 AM: Interrupt retirees’ regular Thursday morning breakfast dates @ Barbara’s Breakfast Buffet

10:00 AM: Read aloud Founding Fathers book @ children’s library; emphasize lack of drag queens at event

11:00 AM: Stump speech @ American Legion

12:00 PM: Lunch @ Chic-fil-A w/ Mayor

1:17 PM: Look out window of SUV and think, “Wow, I’m really doing this.”

2:00 PM: Stump speech @ pseudo-outdoor warehouse-type place; wear brown jacket

3:12 PM: Meet little girl in crowd and feel momentary burst of altruism

4:00 PM: Answer texts from spouse, respond “ok” or “no” to staff emails, read new headline re: Trump legal developments

4:28 PM: Deep breath

4:30 PM: Stump speech @ brewery re: small businesses

5:30 PM: Dinner w/ donors @ private home

7:48 PM: Look out window of SUV and remember high school bully who seeded your self-doubt but look at you now

8:30 PM: Check in at Marriott in Des Moines, review New Hampshire schedule

9:00 PM: Watch Fox News host emphasize the inconsequentiality of your candidacy

9:24 PM: Doom scroll

10:36 PM: Fall asleep