Page Turner

Endings...            and beginnings.

August

August off is a pipe dream but one that feels especially odd right now given that the divide between “off” and “on” is so blurred that everything feels like a peculiar swimming through the ushy gushy part of a lake. The heat is a nice thing but only in the right doses, and the same goes for activity and silence, too. August, August, August. The time before, the time between.

Both Things

IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU CAN BE LOUD EVEN IN SILENCE.

For Certain

     I find that when I go on a run, I’ll go a different way, and then the next few times I’ll go that same new way again. It feels like I’m looking for a new set of train tracks, when in fact I’m swimming in open water.

     My desire for certainty can feel insatiable, and much like Doritos, I try to limit myself to reasonable portions — predicting minutes and hours rather than days or weeks.

     I’ve also learned that stillness is not the same a serenity. I have learned a lot, though I am thankful that there won't be a written exam.

Incubator

     I feel like so much of the way home is letting go of the need to understand the world as rational or fair. As I first heard from Byron Katie by way of Iyanla Vanzant by way of Oprah: When you argue against reality, you will suffer. So much pain is generated by the denial of what is, and the courage to accept what is often liberates us to make a conscious choice about what to do next.

     Each one of us faces so many choices right now, as small as the fabric over our faces and as large as the impressions we aspire to make in our lives. This time has forced me to sit with myself in a way I never have before, and while I have arrived at few conclusions, I am learning to trust the implicit incubator in which I find myself. I accept that I am in one, and that when I emerge, I will be the same, and I will be different.

Firework

There's a lot of work to be done, and there must also be space for not doing any work. Whatever it means to be "off," I hope you are off. And trust that when you come back on, it will be beautiful.

My Thoughts on Pride

     Pride, to me, means progress — for the self, and for the collective. It means the shedding of shame insofar as it allows everyone to come to the table with their cup full. In that sense, I hope that my Pride continues to be less and less about me, and more about recognizing my capacity to serve and liberate others. Because we all deserve a seat at the table, and we all deserve a full cup.

     I also must say there is remarkably less pressure to be shirtless in public this year, which I do appreciate.

Tap Dance

We are all dancers tapping in and tapping out. Let's see if we can do it all together now.

Parallel

There's a lot going on in the world, and there's a lot going on in ourselves. Attend to both.

Black Lives Matter

Amidst this moment when longstanding injustice has again transformed into inevitable reckoning, I see so much of the work as keeping the heart space open, to recognize the truth in others and the truth in myself.

There is so much more for me to learn, to accept, to believe, and to do. Racism exists not as a perception, but as part of the social ecosystem from which I benefit. This country was built by Black people, American culture is (nothing without) Black culture, and none of us will be free until all of us are.

Being part of the solution means first acknowledging that I am part of the problem. That discomfort is my own, but the push toward equality must be all of ours.

A Lot

There's a lot to wake up to every morning, so I've been waking up to this.

Memorial Day

I wish you a weekend free of anything, and full of everything.

Hard

     It’s hard coming up with something new to write every week. I know what you’re doing right now is hard, too. But hey, I'm saying this counts for me. And whatever counts for you, counts for you, too.

Internal Boss

     If you’ve taken care of everything, great. If you haven’t, also great. It’s not time sensitive at this point. But it should be done. Tomorrow?

These Days

     Isn’t it crazy the things we can get used to? I’m thinking about the precious moments of sensory deprivation in the shower, the comforting sounds of birds chirping amidst the sirens, and all the chaos in the world juxtaposed with all the nothing of the inside.

     I am discovering slowly that feeling guilty for the privileges I have doesn’t actually help anyone, and that gratitude is not a practice of being selfish but a practice of being whole. This theory helps me a lot in the times when I feel like I have nothing left to give (read: attention, money, care, personal hygiene). Maybe if I take responsibility for my own peace, it can ripple out, somehow?

     Then again, maybe that’s just what I'm telling myself. I’ve been telling myself a lot these days.

Musings

     I don’t know why, but I’m so bothered by people using the phrase “during this time.” It feels so dismissive yet vaguely polite, ignorant of the truth that there has never been a “time” like this in any of our lives. “Unprecedented” irritates me, too as it feels like it’s constantly being used as an excuse for incompetence.

     I have also found odd solace in the gradual fading away of “we’re all in this together,” as so many reckon with the reality that social inequalities are proving deadly in an undeniably visible way. We are all human beings on Earth together, but even agreeing on that reality feels illusive with so many leaders with their heads in the clouds.

     My therapist thinks my feelings of rage come from a deeper sense of helplessness, which makes me angrier because I am not helpless. I think I am angry because other people are not doing their jobs. It’s like this helpless feeling. Oh.

Consistency

They say it's important to maintain a routine right now but like honestly who is even doing that?

Time Right Now

Minutes feel like hours and days feel like minutes and time is not real but how long is this again?

PSA

Everything is cancelled and I need you to watch Tiger King.

100 Words

I like where I am.

Creative projects have nothing to do with free time.

It is a travesty that MTV’s documentary series True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl is not available on streaming services.

Exercise is a good thing.

Our bodies are our forever homes.

We are all both a threat and a cure to each other.

Presence is subjective.

We are human beings on the same planet, but with vastly different resources.

I do not have a boyfriend.

I have decided that a daily bagel is now a thing.

If you are reading this, I love you so.