Biden Alternatives Pros & Cons

Kamala

• Pro: “President” is already in her title

• Con: Not universally beloved

Gavin

• Pro: Tall

• Con: Previously married to Kimberly Guilfoyle (seriously, did everyone know this?!)

Pete

• Pro: Answers every question perfectly

• Con: Too gay for the straights, not gay enough for the gays

Gretchen

• Pro: Very powerful red lipstick

• Con: Leather jacket

Michelle

• Pro: Would be perfect

• Con: Doesn’t want to do it

The Good News

1. Ice cream still tastes sweet

2. Grass still feels good on your feet

3. Music is still fun to dance to

4. Water is still fun to swim in

5. It’s summer

6. It’s Friday

7. Eighteen weeks is a long time

Summer Loving

Melanie’s dark brown hair cascaded through the wind as she turned and locked eyes with Roberto. The intensity of the crashing ocean waves behind her were nothing compared to her pulsating heart as he stepped closer. How could it be? The mayor’s only son had come back from war, bruised and battered, yet somehow knew to find her in the dunes. Had he been thinking of her as often as she of him? While she was painting landscapes by the water and he was fighting enemies in the trenches, was their budding love gently pulling them back together?

As he approached, she knew not what to say. He was even more beautiful than she remembered. As his eyes drew closer, she recognized his knowing glances. He held out his hands, gently caressed her hips, and whispered in her ear.

“Listen, I’m just not looking for anything serious right now. That cool with you?”

For it was not cool with Melanie, but it was summertime after all. So under the boardwalk they went.

Packing List

1. Sense of adventure

2. Sense of urgency

3. Sense of humor

4. Sense of taste

5. Sense of home

Ingredients of a Good Vacation

• 7-10 days

• 65-85°F

• Boarding Group 1

• Seats 1A & 1B

• 5 stars

• 12 doughnuts

• 100 proof

• 1 pool

• 0 cares

• Chanel No. 5

Bye Week #2

xoxo

Bye Week

xoxo

Deadlines

Few things have actual deadlines. That’s why flights and taxes cause such common ire. It’s so troublesome to corral human behavior into slots of time, so much so that we have created many escape routes. Excuses, extensions, the simple act of forgiveness, such things are the soft padding we bounce between on our way to actually completing the thing.

Self-imposed deadlines are unique in that they offer the potential for self-realization, though such an achievement is rare. The only thing worse is a deadline one hopes others will observe. There are few endeavors so fraught as the providing of a reasonable timeline. People will generally either do things now, because they want to, or never, because they don’t.

The best things in life, of course, have no deadlines: love, joy, laughter, the satisfaction of a job well done or time well spent. Those have no beginning, no end, only in between.

Elements of a Good Hotel

1. Silence in private areas.

2. Faint music in public areas.

3. Professional, warm, and brief interactions with employees.

4. Immediacy.

5. Free hot breakfast.

6. Posted signs.

7. Smooth elevators with soft dinging sounds.

8. Pool.

9. Generous pool hours.

10. Pool towels that are full size and clearly available.

11. No one else in the pool.

12. Various foldings of things.

13. Bible in the nightstand.

14. Constant gentle air conditioning.

15. A physical TV channel guide.

16. A clean, empty gym.

17. Real drinking glasses.

18. Good cell service.

19. Impeccable internet connection.

20. A general sense that hey, this isn’t a place that’d be sustainable for more than a few nights, not because it’s bad but because it’s so sanitized and sequestered from the realities of domestic life that after the third day all you really want are the normal smells and sounds of the things you know. But once you get back to those things they’ll likely become all too familiar and you’ll start fantasizing about this place precisely because it’s so sanitized and sequestered, just enough to keep you coming back, and just enough to keep you leaving.

Commencement Speech

Greetings graduates, families, loved ones, faculty, staff, current students, prospective students, my loving wife Emily, our three precious children Braylee, Ashlee, and Brawnwyn, and their loyal grandparents, Don and Linda.

When I was asked back in February to do this speech, I was sitting at my writing desk. However, I was not able to bring myself to actually put pen to paper until this morning. I suppose it was just because I couldn’t get past this one question I kept asking myself:

“What words of wisdom could I possibly impart on this year’s graduates?”

And that’s precisely what I want to emphasize to you today. Don’t start until you’re ready. Grapple with those big questions. Thank the people who mean the most to you. Never stop thinking, never stop learning, never stop trying.

I could have started writing this speech way back in February, but I doubt these words would resonate as deeply as I know they did with me this morning. I can tell they do for you, too.

Congratulations Class of 2024!

Reset Your Password

Password must contain:

• 1 capitol letter

• 1 lowercase letter

• 1 number

• 1 special character (!, @, $, %, ^, &, *, +, #)

• 1 secret you’ve never shared

Commemorative Speech

Glasses clink, a microphone is adjusted, and tables fall quiet.

“Good evening, everyone. My name is John Rockefeller and I am the great-great grandson of the great John Rockefeller. It is my distinct pleasure to speak on behalf of the Board of Trustees tonight regarding the many successes of the Everyone Foundation.

As the Foundation’s successes are less about me and more about well, everyone, such a task was challenging to wrap my brain around. Such is why I decided to think of it like this: how is the Everyone Foundation like me, John Rockefeller?

1. Mission. Everyone who works for the Everyone Foundation and John Rockefeller is solely dedicated to the mission. Whether it’s feeding the hungry or ensuring my plane arrives on time, the team here and the team I have at home are laser focused on delivering results for everyone and for me.

2. Branding. Everyone means everyone, and John Rockefeller means John Rockefeller. Who we serve is who we are, and who we are is each other, and I am me.

3. Connections. I am connected to everyone in this room, and you are all connected to me. We are all, ‘everyone,’ just as I am me.”

John pauses and his eyes well with tears. Attendees dare not shift in their chairs.

“And finally…Donna. This whole organization is in love with you, Donna.” John wipes his nose. “And I am, too. Ever since you asked me to be on the Board it’s been like meeting the mother I never had and the woman I’ve always wanted. The last thing you would expect at your going away gala is to be proposed to, which is exactly why I am doing it here tonight. Donna, will make me the happiest ever John Rockefeller?”

Busy with Bubble Tea

Last night I attended an end-of-semester dance concert at the university. I settled in amongst the crowd of mostly undergraduates just as the clocked turned to 8:00pm.

When the house lights went up for a pause between pieces about 20 minutes into the program, a young student trepidatiously entered the theater and meandered down the aisle stairs. Her tardiness took little tool on her leisurely quest to identify a suitable seat for herself as she shuffled past peers to settle hesitantly in the center.

When house lights came on after the following piece, she was soon on her feet again taking a confused survey of the space. She quickly dashed to the lobby to grab a program, presumably to use as proof of attendance for her dance elective class, and meandered back to her spot.

After the last performance, she took the perfunctory final round of applause as a mere suggestion and immediately exited. And that’s when I saw it: a to-go bag of bubble tea in her grasp.

I followed her swiftly, eager to get home myself and curious of what world crisis she was leaving to solve. By the time I was outside she was already across the street, headed towards the academic building under which I had parked.

“Ah, study group,” I concluded as she approached its front doors.

No.

She had parked in the same underground lot as me but happened to miss the pedestrian entrance to it twice. We left the garage at the same time.

As she pulled out and ran a red light, I attempted to assemble the puzzle. Was she late to another function that began promptly at 9:30pm? How can one can sit through an hour of dance but not spare an extra minute? Who makes themselves late because of bubble tea? Why not leave it in the car? Who forced this person into this situation and what is the source of their insatiable desire to escape?

The dances were compelling at times, but little compared to this psychodrama for which I will never have an explanation, nor ending.

Spring Event

Hi Friends,

It’s springtime, and you know what that means: the Annual Spring Event!

We here at Human Excellence Central Knowledge (HECK) Seekers are excited to celebrate the culmination of our current cohort of Wayfinders’ Association of Central Knowledge Seekers (WACKS) who will be presented with awards ranging from Most Original Project (MOP) to Highest Overall Group Score (HOGS).

The event will include a cash bar, cash menu, tip jar and raffle prizes.

Please note absolutely no flash photography will be allowed!

We know you understand the value HECK Seekers bring to the community, and the rare, special, and unique opportunity this event presents to bring us all together in fellowship. The mission of our organization touches tens of folks around the globe every few years, and this one is no exception.

As April is such a slow month with so little else going on, we thought it’d be great to offer this event on a Saturday at 4pm. We hope you will join us!

Note there is no parking available, but we encourage you to carpool to nearby locations and make your way here in your own time. The program will start at 6:30pm!

Sincerely,

Marie Amber Bettlethwarp (MAB)

HECK Seekers President and former WACKS MOP/HOGS Awards Winner (HECKSPAFWACKSMOP/HOGSAW)

Blog vs. Essay

This may count as a blog but I consider it an essay. Blogs have the potential to be wildly popular while an essay is not burdened with such potential. An “essay” evokes an assignment toiled over at the last minute with the hopes of meeting requirements. A “blog” suggests fun. An “essay” is a composition of thought. A “blog” is a train of one. An “essay” is read by a few select intellectuals. A “blog” is skimmed.

Writing a book of essays is a familiar daydream of mine, though it’s hard to imagine the compounding disinterest of both books and essays in the current attention economy. But the form of the essay is too capacious, too boundless, too considered, for me to consider anything else.

Lock In

If the email distribution list for my weekly essays was a room, it would be pink and fuzzy and fun but locked with no convenient way out. I imagine I’d be standing at the door with doe eyes that would discourage anyone from muttering, “Hey, Dan, reading your weekly blog is fun and all, but let’s just say I’d rather check it on my own time instead of getting an email from you every Friday morning for the past six years and indefinitely into the future.”

It’s long been my aspiration to add an “Unsubscribe” feature, to provide the discreet key with which one may exit this room with dignity, though such an item continues to plummet in the rankings of my ever growing list of tedious and more immediate tasks such as cleaning my refrigerator door shelves or gazing around at the room I’m in.

I do hope my miniature literary quips act as light refreshments in the corner of your Inbox. I aim for the quality of store-brand cola and Ritz crackers; not quite something you would choose over and over for yourself, but better than nothing.

From Anywhere

With new Life iOS Update 2.0 you can now:

Ponder the meaning of life from anywhere!

Remember that one time in fifth grade from anywhere!

Think about calling that person but not do it from anywhere!

Talk to yourself silently from anywhere!

Consider working out but tidying instead from anywhere!

Weigh a new option but decide on the one you already know from anywhere!

Suggest a course of action but not follow through from anywhere!

Do something, anything, from anywhere!

Busy But Not In An Interesting Way

Hearing about the busyness of someone else is never interesting, as the busy person often presumes or hopes the listener will express either concern or admiration, neither of which is a likely product.

A busy person may be one who has trouble prioritizing or simply procrastinates. Or perhaps they lack proper staff to handle their affairs. I, for example, suspect the president is a “busy” person, but would never gripe about such given the administrative apparatus at his disposal. Oppositely, how could someone like me (for example) ever claim “busyness” with such a narrower purview of responsibility?

And yet here I am, resisting the urge to do just that. Of course, if I were truly busy, I wouldn’t be writing things like this. I’m always free for this.

SpACE /BAR

/ / / / /My /keyboard /is /officially /broken. /Whenever /I /typE /A /SPace /it /adds /a /slash /anD /THE /CAPs /Lock /activates /irregularly /as /I /go. /I /could /go /through and /edit /each /line /as /good /writers /do, /but /everyone /knows /that /the /best /writers /are /those /who /blur /the /lines /between /content /and /form.

Most /prESSING /TO /ME /IS /FIGURING /OUT /WHAT /ACTUALLY /ACTIVATES /THE /CAPs /Lock. /There /must /be /a /pARTICULAR /LETTER /OR /KEY /STROKE /THAT /INITIATES /SUCH /AN /ERRATIC /RESPonse.

I /supPose /life /is /this /way, /isn’t it? No matter what correct inputs you provide, the output is always contingent. I adjusted the computer and suddenly now all seems solved. I adjusted it again and it still seems to be working. Maybe that was all a blip meant to call my attention to the irregularity of life; or perhaps just a reminder of regularity’s sweetness.

New Walls

Home is where the heart of the matter of fact of life happens when you least expect it.