Friday Night Lights

Elizabeth had never much cared for football, let alone troubled herself to learn the rules. When her boyfriend of four years insisted she attend his opening game against a neighboring high school, she acquiesced on the condition that he would take her to a nice dinner the following evening.

She was shocked at how many spectators filled the stands. Surely their school of modest enrollment and their only slightly larger rival weren’t capable of producing such a crowd. She had never seen an audience a quarter this size at the plays in which she would star.

She purchased a bottle of water for $3 and took her place near what she’d later learn was the five yard line, a bad seat for viewing but a perfectly good one for finishing her book.

The next night, just after the server placed a basket of warm bread with whipped butter, Elizabeth’s boyfriend erupted. “How come you never care about my games? I go to every single one of your plays, and you couldn’t tell me one thing about what happened last night.”

“I star in the plays, though…” Elizabeth mumbled.

“I am the quarterback!”

Years later, Elizabeth was scrolling in bed when the news broke that Tom was retiring from football. She had felt bad when he left her for Gisele, but now she felt worse. The sport, while clearly lucrative, seemed to cost him his life.

Maybe she should have taken more care. Would it have killed her to learn the point value of a field goal, ask him a question about first downs? Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that his only committed relationship would be with the lights. She put down her phone, nuzzled up to her philosophy professor husband, and quickly dozed off to sleep.

Labor Party

Subject: A Few Updates

Date: September 1, 2023, 6:00am

To Our Valued Employees,

We hope you and your families are preparing for a relaxing and rejuvenating Labor Day Weekend. We know this season can feel overwhelming for many with children going back to school, college move-ins, and of course the end of our trial Summer Friday Happy Hour program (as communicated previously, excessive intoxication in the office is never appropriate, and so we will be returning to our alcohol-free policy come next year).

And to Colleen, we all must say: Why did you do it? Our operations team’s diligent and careful work organizing tasteful gatherings for our entire organization will be forever marred by your decision to add Everclear to the punch bowl at the supposed encouragement of others (“basically everyone,” to use your words). We sincerely apologize to those employees asked to call their spouses or teenage children to transport them home, and especially those forced to sleep in the break room. While it was no doubt a night we will never forget, it is one us on the leadership team wish never happened at all.

Unfortunately, we must send our well wishes to the multiple employees who left us no choice but to terminate their employment. While suggestions about improving workplace conditions are always welcome, such feedback need be communicated through appropriate channels. This does not include shouting at direct supervisors and reports alike, particularly in a group setting.

And to Colleen, we do not wish you a happy Labor Day Weekend. We wish you a lifetime of dull, sober labor, forever.

All best,

Carl

A Late Summer Night’s Dream

It’s the season of beginnings and endings, planning and prepping, lasts and firsts, coming and going. It strikes me every year how the calendar marches on but its pace never seems the same. I get used to summer living and suddenly it’s fall, then holidays, then the doldrums of winter, and those cold days feel like they will never end until suddenly I see a green bud on a tree branch.

School in September is like the gym in January, though in adulthood I have taken great solace in the optional nature of the latter in contrast to the compulsory nature of the former. Still, there is something to a fresh pencil; a new shirt; a renewed sense that this year, this is going to be the one (really).

I hope this season brings you joy and peace, laughter and light, sun and air, rest and relaxation. These are things I wish you all the time, but especially in these final days of sweet, sweet summer.

No Questions Asked

This past Tuesday I was jogging along a path and encountered a stranded wallet. I returned it to a nearby address and later received a call from its owner thanking me profusely, along with an invitation to buy me a coffee. I graciously declined. However, I would have accepted:

1. An all-expense paid, three night, four day trip for two to a private villa in St. Barts

2. A dinner party with a private chef in a private home overlooking a large body of water for myself and my twelve closest friends (I may sit at the head if necessary)

3. A lifetime supply of cheap beer and/or table wine

4. A boat complete with insurance, maintenance staff, docking rights, and seasonal storage

5. A $1,000 Williams Sonoma gift card

6. A $500 Starbucks gift card

7. A $100 McDonalds gift card

Time Sensitive

Hello Lake Association Members,

It has come to our attention that the arrival of Sarah Jessica Parker to our sleepy shores has caused much disgruntlement amongst our formerly tight-knit community.

We understand that many of you have opinions on whether her fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw, should have chosen Mr. Big or Aiden during the original running of her Sex and the City series.

Thanks to And Just Like That…, we now know that Aiden is back in the picture in the wake of Mr. Big’s death, and Carrie (again, a fictional character) is reconsidering her decades-old decision to marry a begrudging Mr. Big.

While we as a Lake Association do not publicly take stances in fictional matters, we do have a responsibility to prevent and/or halt any harassment of law-abiding homeowners on our lake. Therefore, please refrain from shouting, “We knew Big was bad for you all along!” at Ms. Parker; stop graffitiing, “JUSTICE FOR AIDEN” on her house; and halt all further plans of a rumored staging of a silent protest meant to stir her guilty conscience.

Love is a messy, complicated, and beautiful thing. Us at the Lake Association couldn’t help but wonder…can we keep it clean?

Happy August to all.

A Place for Everything

Landing, docking, porting, parking, zipped, secured, arrived, unpacked, waiting, wishing, wondering, reveling.

Get Rich Slowly

It’s that time of year when many of us are thinking about money. Not all of us, but many. And many of those few of us might be wondering, “Am I making the most of what I have?” Well, you’re in luck. Today we’re breaking down the top things you should be doing, have done, or could do to help you keep more of what you make so you can live more with what you have and enjoy life for all it’s worth, every day.

[No information in this article should be taken as financial advice. Consult your financial advisor.]

1. Consistently invest the maximum annual amount in your 401(k) and IRA (preferably a Roth IRA, unless you don’t qualify for a Roth because your salary is too high, in which case your concern is likely not how to get rich but how to stay rich, a far less relatable and compelling topic) in a no-load S&P 500 (or similar) index fund for 30-50 years.

2. Don’t get guacamole at Mexican restaurants.

3. Don’t have a liquor preference. (Practice by saying, “Rail is fine,” or, “Just the house white, please.”)

4. Book vacations far in advance.

5. Purchased used vehicles and drive them cautiously.

6. Cultivate interests that exist primarily outside of consumption (exercising outdoors, talking with friends, reading books from the library, etc.).

7. Indulge your fantasy of getting rich quick by hate-reading news stories of overnight successes, but don’t take them to heart.

House Description

This adorable yet charming two bedroom, one bath bungalow is just a stone’s throw away from all Springvale has to offer: shops, restaurants, Town Hall and the local jail (in case you need to pick up your husband after a wild night in nearby Metropolitanville, only 20 minutes away)! Imagine enjoying coffee in your backyard awash in local invasive plants that are sure to thrive throughout your time here. A private well ensures that no city ordinance will come between you and the freshest water, the aroma of which changes depending on how much rain we get here in our little slice of heaven. Allow yourself to be swept away by the mystical energy of this special home. Pink vinyl siding new as of 2021 and electrical has been fully updated by current owner himself!

Open house this Tuesday, 9-10am. Cash offers only (prefer 10’s and 20’s).

Letter From the 14th of July to the 4th of July

Dear 4th,

I hope you’re recovering well from the flurry of activity last week! Even though you were on a Tuesday I think you still made a big impact. I bet a lot of people just took the four day weekend.

I’m doing alright. I fall on a Friday this year which is pretty good. (Still no fireworks, though. Go figure!)

I get mistaken for you every now and again but they almost instantly recognize it’s a typo. It’s funny being a full ten days later yet a lifetime away in terms of prominence. I suppose we all get our lot.

Anyway, I hope you’re well. (How could you not be with the government holiday and all those parades?!) Looks like next year I’ll fall on a Sunday. Even if I can’t get a crowd to cheer for me, at least I’ll have some peace.

All my best,

14th

Easy Living

Let’s have lemonade that isn’t too sweet, with those bits of pulp floating around it, in large glasses with straws and tiny umbrellas on them.

How about some prosciutto wrapped melon and plenty of thick yet disposable napkins?

Bring anyone who also agrees that summer is clearly the best season, regardless of fall.

And for music we’ll do soft jazz.

We can admire the garden from afar and talk about our goals for the year ahead, holding back any follow up questions about how we might actually achieve said goals.

And let’s be sure to retire to the shade before we get burned.

It’s hard to make a living, but the living is easy.

No Emails Please

It’s the Friday of 4th of July weekend. The fact that you are reading this essay (clearly a non-urgent matter) linked in an email (sent to you by me) is simply grotesque.

I apologize on my behalf. If you are considering sending a no-stakes email today, I would strongly advise you in the negative. Everyone (and I mean everyone) has bigger drinks to stir.

Taking a Bye Week

Consider This a Permission Slip to Not Complete a Given Task Today

Soon-to-Be Out of Office

Hi team,

As you know, my wife and I are headed to Aruba tomorrow to try and rekindle that ol’ dwindling flame so just thought I’d give you some updates for when I’m out.

The project with Jim from Marketing is hotter than a skillet in hell so I recommend you take that, Brenda and don’t be intimidated by Amber’s aggressive email style. We have what she needs in the G Drive so always remember where the balance of power lies.

Ross, I think we can go ahead and drop the communication strategy around the Use Less Toilet Paper Initiative. I think people are gonna use what they’re gonna use.

Arlene, thank you for all your work in arranging that client visit while I’m away. Feel free to sit at my desk when they arrive so you can feel more powerful - people really underestimate the authority that comes with a corner cubicle.

Finally, team, I know we’ve been experiencing a lot of turnover and I’ll be honest: I think those people just weren’t cut out for the job. I have a really good feeling about what we have going here.

Will be thinking of y’all while I’m with my wife. Just text me if you need anything.

thx,

don

Statement to My Fans After Doing Something Abhorrent

First of all, I would like to apologize for any hurt I may have cause to anyone who may have felt hurt. That was certainly not my intention and never would be. I am human, just like everybody else, and like everybody else, I have my good days and my bad. Unfortunately, the worst moment of my life was caught on camera and disseminated for all to see.

While it is true that I was the one encouraging the person behind the camera to keep recording, I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be viewed by other people. I am disgusted by my own actions, for which there is no excuse.

I do think it is important that we take this as a learning opportunity for us all to reflect on what it means to be a “good” person in today’s world, and if we even allow space for people to fall. Must we all be on alert at all times? Have we no grace?

Even so, I wish to keep the focus on the victims. This is not about me. This is about them, and me making things right. That’s why I am encouraging you all to donate money to the Other People Fund. This is my way of reinforcing my longstanding belief that we owe it to the Other People, to stand with them in solidarity. I have already made a donation myself.

I think the bigger picture in all of this is that we all have room to grow. We are all flawed, beautiful creatures trying to make our way on this tiny planet called Earth that can feel so, so big. One dark spot does not, can not, must not cancel out the light.

My lawyers tried to dissuade me from writing this statement, but I knew I owed it to you all to hear something from me before the press has a field day with this. I do not care about “the court of public opinion.” I care about truth. While I should not have killed that person for taking so long to make my latte, live with the consequences I will.

peace + love.

xoxo

Prideful

Pride Month is not simply about initialisms, pronouns, flags, parades, or statements. It’s about honoring and recognizing our sheer existence, our internal worlds being recognized and celebrated by our external ones, and tipping the scale ever so slightly towards justice for those whose realities remain unbearable.

The longer I am gay the more personally inconsequential it feels, and yet the more politically salient it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I need not point it out so frequently in casual conversation, or share my coming out story again, or remind people about the full spectrum of queer experience. But then I hear about more reckless people and officials doing and saying reckless things, and remember that my personal contentment is insuffienct evidence of social progress.

Pride keeps us moving the boulder up the mountain. Queer people have always been here and we will always be. Grab a drink and join the party.

Invasive Question

“What is your favorite part of the day?” he asked.

I was growing tired of generating feigned answers to questions about my personal health. Each response I could think of involved intimate time with my parter, and therefore irrelevant to share with the twenty-something gym employee completing my one-month-trial intake questionnaire.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler.” I jested.

“Haha, you’re funny, man. I got you. No but really. What would you say?”

I thought about falling asleep and waking up with my person, smelling coffee in the morning, sharing laughter with people I love, sitting around a table deep in conversation, feeling clean after a long day, observing the slowly setting sun with a drink in hand.

“That’s none of your business, Chandler!”

I wish I could see what he wrote down on his paper. “Unclear?” “Unwilling to share?” “Dodged question?” How critical was it that this information be logged so that I may one day be converted to a full-time member? But I suppose that’s none of my business.

Summer Availability

May 26-29: Memorial Day Weekend (not available)

May 30 & 31: Available 10am-Noon Only

June 1-30: Pride Month (not available)

July 1-9: 4th of July Weekend Observed (not available)

July 10: Summer Monday (not available)

July 11-13: Available 10-11am Only

July 14-17: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 18-20: Available 10-10:30am Only

July 21-24: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

July 25-27: Available 10-10:15am Only

July 28-31: Summer Friday/Monday (not available)

August 1-31: August (not available)

September 1-4: Labor Day Weekend (not available)

*Please do not schedule anything until at least two weeks after Labor Day so that I may catch up from the summer.

Things I’d Be Willing to Have a Town Hall About

It has come to my attention that a former president and future candidate recently decided to be interviewed on television via a town hall in which he pontificated irresponsibly about matters he has no business continuing to pontificate about. I would like to do the same about the below topics. (I should clarify I have no intention of running for president at this time because I am laser focused on serving my constituents in my current position. But if I do decide to run, you will be first to know.)

• Airports, Airlines, and Air Travel: What You (We All) Need to Do Better

• Why Saying Something is “Available Online, 24/7” is No Longer a Flex and Is Actually Patronizing

• Expensive Things That Are Worth It and Expensive Things That Are Not (ft. Cheap Things That Mean the Most)

• Finding Love When You Least Expect It and Other Love Quotes That Are Untrue

• Basic Personal Finance for Girls, Gays, and Theys: Roth IRAs and Why Ethical Investing is a Rich Person Thing

• Get Rid of Everything: How to Move to New York City

• You’re Not That Fancy or Important: Why You Should Smile Politely at People When You Walk By Them If You Live in a Small Town or City (Madison, Wisconsin Qualifies as a Small Town or City)

• Any Questions from the Audience That Suggest I Have Insight Into Things

The First Thursday in May

Wisconsin is like New York in that there are only three perfect days per year, three days when it’s cool and calm through the night and you can sleep with the window open, three days when the sun peeks over the horizon to illuminate blooming flowers or freshly cut grass, three days when there’s only a gentle breeze and a temperature so mild you can wear shorts or pants or a sweater or a tee shirt or a jacket or a dress and be perfect, perfectly fine.

Each like a cherry atop the tiniest sundae, we’re down to two.

Things I Do Instead of the Thing I Need to Do

Laundry

Sweeping

Vacuuming

Catching up on personal emails

Trimming flowers

Buying new flowers

Dishes

Exercising

Checking how many vacation days I’ve accrued

Reading New York Times headlines but not the articles

Jumping on a call

Reviewing my credit card statements from the past three months and mentally excusing the highest expenses

Reading local news

Reading email newsletters

Unsubscribing from email newsletters

Getting coffee

Getting groceries

Sending mail

Checking the mail

Scrolling Instagram

Scrolling Facebook

Looking up Apple Maps directions I’ll need in three days

Walking around the apartment and slightly adjusting small objects so that they’re either square with or intentionally diagonal to the table/counter/surface on which they sit

Dusting

Cleaning the toilet

Consider cleaning the shower but deciding that’s too much

Tapping my fingers in rhythmic patterns

Holding my fingers against my lips

Softly humming

Making sudden loud noises that resemble the choruses of current radio hits and/or very old commercials

Literally anything else